By Mosby Sharp-tone
Trump has won the election and many celebrities are apparently on the move! Whoo hoo!
Bryan Cranston was seen packing his bags.
Samuel L. Jackson longs for South Africa.
Lena Dunham is moving to a “lovely place” in Vancouver.
Neve Campbell (who?) is moving back home to Canada. Apparently her fellow Canadians can’t wait.
Natasha Lyonne may be checking herself in to mental hospital. We wish her a speedy recovery.
Cher is taking aim at planet Jupiter. We wish her a speedy recovery as well.
Miley Cyrus has threatened to move somewhere, but she’s not sure where yet. It’s hard when you have trouble reading a map.
Barbara Streisand is worried that Canadian border security will not let her pass through the line. No wonder she supports Democrats – the party of open borders!
Ne-Yo and Drake apparently want to move to Canada, a very popular place these days, or so I hear.
Amy Schumer is moving to Spain.
Chelsea Handler (who?) promised that unlike some blowhards she “actually will leave that country.” Now that’s real conviction and reminds me of when President Obama promised the Affordable Care Act would save families an average $2500 a year on health insurance. We wish Handler and her handlers well.
Jon Stewart is preparing a rocket for travel to another planet. Perhaps he will be joining Cher on Jupiter.
Whoopi Goldberg, who bragged she can afford to go somewhere far away, will hopefully do so, for our sake and for hers.
Keegan-Michael Key is fleeing north to Canada, which is great because I’ve heard the healthcare there is really good and a lot cheaper than it is here in the United States.
George Lopez, who is the self-appointed spokesperson for all Hispanics in the U.S. is leading the “were all going back” movement. We’re confused by this since George was born in California.
Ruth Bader Ginsburg announced months ago that she is going to New Zealand, thus freeing up yet one more seat on the Supreme Court.
Al Sharpton has reserved a ticket to somewhere, but is being a little slippery and not revealed where.
Barry Diller is either joining “the resistance” or moving somewhere. He is still undecided. I vote go somewhere.
Chloe Sevigny is heading for Nova Scotia apparently to become a lobsterwoman or something.
Eddie Griffin (who?) is going to Africa, where he probably believes they will appreciate his humor.
Amber Rose is going somewhere and taking her son with her. I hope she lets him finish the school year first. That kind of thing can really throw a kid off.
Raven-Symone is going to Canada, if they let her in.
Omari Hardwick is going to Italy. One of the best choices I’ve heard so far.
Ian Somerhalder is still consulting his travel agent.
A going away party is apparently in the works. It’s sure to be a popular event. We’ll keep you posted.
(Full disclosure: I’ve never heard of many of these people before.)